York and District Mind

My experience of OCD

by Dan

In the past obsessive-compulsive disorder has had a major impact on my life. In fact it has at times been devastating. I have had a wide range of symptoms: I have checked to make sure objects are ‘safe’ until exhausted; I have washed my hands until skin peeled off; I have been overcome with the fear that I may have run someone over in my car.

Undoubtedly the worst experience for me was when I was obsessed that I had become a terrible person. To try and convey a sense of this to other people, it was a fear of having done the worst thing I could possibly imagine. However this was my imagination – in reality I had done nothing wrong. In my psychiatrist’s opinion I was suffering from a delusion – a false belief that I was a very bad person. I had tremendous difficulty thinking rationally about my fears. I was overwhelmed with guilt and felt so bad that I became bedridden. In effect I spent 18 months in hospital with severe depression. I took a number of overdoses. I had lost all hope.

However all was not lost. I did recover. I took one of a group of drugs known as SSRIs. At first slowly and more rapidly later on, this medication calmed me down. I became able to think rationally. A cognitive approach helped me challenge my negative thoughts. I came to realise that I was a decent person. A change of environment proved beneficial. I was a patient at the Maudsley hospital in London for 3 months with other OCD sufferers who I could relate to. Moving to a ‘safe’ environment in another part of the country seemed to weaken the hold my illness had on me. Humour has been important. Learning to laugh again has brought pleasure in to my life.

Now I am a charity worker and have a reasonable life. From 18 months of torture I have built myself a useful existence. This would not have been possible without the love and care of my parents. When you are severely depressed it is important to be able to be open and I could always talk to them.